A Nigerian wishlist
Sapa and Christmas no suppose match
Dear Santa Claus I mean father Christmas,
I no say you no sabi me but my name is Torikogbo. I get wishlist for this Christmas wey madam no fit do. I heard in the abroad you bless them with presents. You put them in their socks. I don throw away my secondary school socks as per say e don get hole for mouth but I fit put Ghana must go sack make my present plenty.
As I dey write this letter eh, my madam is sleeping on the couch in the living room. She had just ended her sermon on the Nigeria of those days. The Nigeria wey dey only accessible for our papa and mama's head.
The experiences we might never be able to relate to.
The period of Abacha and his fearful regime. The reign of bongo tea and Nido milk that has seemed to die.
She said "it's a day to Christmas and I feel lazy to celebrate it. Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas this year, it seems".
She con use one big grammar like that. Erm, lacadessiikaaa, lacadeciica, okay na lackadaisical.
Na wetin she call this Christmas. "This Christmas is a lackadaisical one".
I no understand am but I nod my head well well make she no sabi say na gbegira grammar school I go.
She's a 30 year old unmarried woman. A professor in the university of Abuja. She dey very smart and I respect am well well.
However, the issue of marriage is what I'm worried about. She picked me up from Ajasin village and began to train and feed me. She dey very nice and she bi philanthropist. She dey always bless my family with better better things.
I believe say na her and five other people like her wey remain for this country.
The thing wey shock me bi say, she still dey expect salary from government but no one can know because of how benevolent she is. One would think that she's sinzu when she's only on kashamadupe.
She has a beautiful heart and I believe say na the only thing wey matter. She bi 100 percent wife material wey no fit wash.
I press play on Fela Kuti's Beasts of no nation. The trumpet soothes my ears, then the drums and the keyboard. After about five minutes, the voices come in.
"Many leaders as you see them, na different disguise Dem dey hold”
I sing the lyrics of the song join.
Santa(with an accent), cancel, Father Christmas
First on my list is a litre of fuel for less than the current price.
A big fat fowl for 1k. Christmas without chicken is like you without your bear bear and chalk face. No insults, na truth I just dey talk. But no vex.
Yes, and eight hours of light per day this festive period so we can watch more of your clownery because he too sweet.
Affordable portions of pepper and tomatoes so our jollof go red well well.
A congo of rice for 500 naira, make we chop belle full and share to others. What's Christmas without sharing. E no go good say we dey count grains make e reach everyone.
We must curb sapa this period!
Omo the list is almost inexhaustible but I go try reduce am fàthèr.
Eh eh I bi wan talk am Pastor blessing but I hear say you dey church yesterday dey fall for anointing. If helper wey we dey look up to dey see wiiii like us. Wetin we wan do?
Oh no bi you? I talk am!
A special request, let the policemen, lasma and safety officials rest this wonderful season.
Only billing wey I wan do na detty December billing.
Eh eh, I hear say palliatives don land. E never reach our side o. My madam don lose hope but no way. Palliatives must land. I wan send my portion go village.
Father Christmas, We hope you deliver these to us, the type of logistics you use doesn't matter. Whether na bike or sleigh, koko bi say you deliver.
Papa Santa, I fit see small money wey I fit use buying sewing machine make I learn tailoring. I fit manage 500,000.
Dear father christmas, cookies no dey and flour don cost. Ara n kan ti an so niyen (part of the things we're talking about) but you fit manage garri and groceries with sweetener.
Omo groceries don finish.
Noel baba, you fit chop am like that?
Economy hard.